I am now the proud owner of two very sophisticated household appliances: The Whingimatic 2000 and the Klingon 2003 (no relation to the Star Trek version) . Unfortunately, after an extensive search of our house I’ve discovered they did not come with a manual or instructions of any kind so I’m left to my own devices when it comes to maintenance.

After doing a little study of the appliances, this is what I know of them so far–>

The Whingimatic 2000 :

  • Potters along quite nicely until you give it an instruction when it will suddenly fall on the floor, making an incredibly annoying sound much like fingernails down the chalkboard
  • Noise continues regardless of what you do (I’ve tried explaining, distracting and even ignoring. Ignoring does work to varying degrees)
  • Most of the time this product is quite low maintenance, requiring the smallest doses of sustenance throughout the day to ensure maximum energy output till about 9 every night (when batteries need recharging)
  • Use with care in the vicinity of Klingon 2003!
  • The Klingon 2003 :

  • Never go out of eyesight of this appliance or you will soon hear about it
  • Can be playing quite happily but the moment you need to do something eg. talk on phone or sit and have breakfast, Klingon will spring out of nowhere grab your clothing and pull hard until attention is on it
  • Don’t even think about going to the toilet without it
  • Has built in artificial intelligence – learns and mimics all bad habits (and no good ones) from Whingimatic
  • Batteries need recharging in the middle of the day – failure to do so will result in family irritability
  • Some malfunction in the recharging process means that one needs to ensure appliance is fully plugged into its dummy several times a night
  • Both products will perform effortlessly and without incident when at my mother’s home especially after a rather horrid day at home. (And not that I would ever want to!) both appliances come with a strict “no returns” policy.