Tasmiya

My lactation consultant has asked a favour:

I have a request to make. At the moment I am completing a small study on “cross-feeding”, the sharing of breastfeeding between sisters and close friends. The study involves cross-feeding that happened in Australia, irrespective of where the mothers were born. Mothers interviewed also need to be proficient in English.

I had particularly wanted to include Australian women from Islamic communities, but this hasn’t happened and I believe the study will be lacking in an important cultural dimension. I am aware of the “milk sibling” relationship and have mentioned it in a historical article previously (to be published in March).

So, I wondered if you knew of anyone who has shared the breastfeeding of a baby with a sister or close relation, and who would be willing to answer some questions, either by email or on the telephone. I can explain the confidentiality, etc., then. It would take only a few minutes.

Anyone interested in participating, please contact me - tasmiyablog(at)gmail(dot)com or directly brislact(at)hotmail(dot)com

I clumsily walked through the door after a long day at work.

“Mum!” screamed my boys, all excited to see me.

My nearly 2 year old called from the hall, “Ummy, no more ne-ne!”

I stared at my husband, questioningly.

“I’ve been drumming it into him all day. You’ve been saying you want to stop breastfeeding for the longest time so I’m helping things along a bit.”

The rest of the day passed without incident. My nearly 2 year old didn’t ask for a nurse and he seemed content to potter around with his brothers. Bedtime was only the slightest drama as he wanted to listen to storytime with the older two.

Finished. Nearly 2 years of breastfeeding over. Just like that.

The next night though, he became clingy and asked for a feed.

“No more, ne-ne, remember?” my husband reminded him.

The sneaky thing waited until his father’s back was turned to ask me in the softest of whispers, “..want some ne-ne, please?”

I distracted him for as long as I could but it was obvious he needed me. The crying started and my husband took him away to bed. He sobbed then wailed then started screaming. I tried to keep myself busy thinking that any minute now he would give up and allow his father to comfort him.

For as long as he has been alive, nursing has been such a comforter. He nursed to sleep; nursed when he was upset, hurt or sad.  Here he was now inconsolable and here I was listening to him crying for me and not even trying to go towards him.  All the while, thinking, “He’s too old to keep going, he really needs to find another way to comfort himself, why isn’t a cuddle with his father enough for him? It needs to be done now and we need to make a clean break, Cold turkey, It’ll be hard for the first couple of days then then it will all be forgotten.”

Then I got to thinking, “Is this how I want him to stop? Kicking and screaming? Who even made this decision for me? For us?” I know he meant well by encouraging the break from nursing but could I honestly say in a few years I wouldn’t only remember it being my husband’s decision without consultation with me and certainly with no consultation with my son? Besides, what is so wrong with my son wanting the occasional feed to keep him happy?

I ran into his bedroom and held my son for what felt like an hour. He stopped crying the minute his arms were around me. He didn’t ask for ne-ne but did eventually fall off to sleep. Happy and in my arms.

We aren’t ready just yet but inshaAllah when the time comes it will be right for BOTH of us.

Keeping abreast of the news*

Breastfeeding may pass on allergies - I don’t know how accurate or how much weight we should put on this (one) study. I do agree with the ABA spokeswoman that in any case allergies, eczema and asthma are on the increase and it’s more likely to be environmental causes. Interesting reading nonetheless.

Breastfeeding mother allowed to take extra breaks for expressing milk during medical exam - I don’t understand the hullabaloo when it comes to breastfeeding. Is she going to write notes on her breasts? Is the pump kitted out with an audio textbook? Any person (note non-specific gender) who has ever had engorged breasts knows that it isn’t really that helpful in terms of memory retention or thinking skills (bar thinking, “Oh mah gah this hurts!”)

Illegal to ban breastfeeding in public places - There is this idea that breastfeeding in public involves nudity and complete abandon of societal norms on modesty and will therefore upset the delicate nature of every person unlucky enough to turn in the direction of the breastfeeding mother. Won’t somebody please think of the children?** Half the time, mothers breastfeed so discretely, you’d hardly know they were doing it at all.

*Do you see what I did just there?

**I did it again just there!

Comments, phrases and opinions guaranteed to increase your blog comments or better yet, start a blog war.

For Mummy Bloggers:

1. Boob Nazi. Cue horrified breastfeeding advocates resenting being associated with “that word” or “those people.” Someone else will say “ANTI-SEMITISM” and then everyone is quiet and they’ve forgotten what they were arguing about until another will pipe up about the conspiracy that is formula milk so we should all feel sorry for the bottlefed people, really.

2. I feel sorry for stay at home mothers. Cue like minded people who say things like “What must they DO with their time and how are they helping this country sitting on their fat bums all day watching Oprah and Dr Phil?” Stay at home mothers will get on the defensive and start blaming all the ills of society on the fact that children were put into daycare and raised by strangers just because mothers wanted to go out and drink coffee in an office.

3. I really need to take a break from my children. Cue parents lamenting about how awful a parent you must be to actually want to be away from the children - I mean after all, you helped MAKE them! They are designed to be worn all the time and you are most certainly not allowed ANY time for yourself. Only selfish people want “me-time” whatever happened to FAMILY time etc. Counterattack by other parents making comments about attachment parents/gentle mothering (usually called (s)mothering) and breastfeeding their children until they are 12 years of age.

4. I trained my baby to sleep… Cue happy parents who have also done this with their children and way to go it was hard but worth it in the end; babies need to cry before they sleep; I waited 50 minutes before I went in there to clean his vomit; I really needed to do it, I was desperate for sleep and so on. Counterattack by mothers MORTIFIED and angry that anyone could do such a thing to their baby; sending message of total rejection; this is CHILD ABUSE IN IT’S (sic) MOST BASIC FORM etc etc.

5. Any mention of childbirth, be it caesarian, homebirth, epidural or other forms of pain relief. Cue mothers opposed to any or all of the above. Because we all know the sort of birth experience you have dramatically impacts on your child and a “bad” birth is the leading cause of violence and drug abuse amongst teens.

For Muslim bloggers: Read the rest of this entry »

I promised those fatwas (yes, everybody, groan why don’t you :P) a very long time ago so here they are:

Hanafi Madhab

Shafi’i Madhab

I also attended an ABA meeting in November last year on the topic of weaning. Obviously, their stance is to promote child-led weaning though they gave useful advice for mothers needing to wean. I was more interested in weaning at a later age (after 2 years) and I’m going by my ever failing memory here so I may have missed something:

1. Offer cuddles and hugs as a substitute for a feed.

2. Distraction

3. Being wide awake and already dressed by the time your child wakes up for their morning feed.

4. Explain that after she/he turns a certain age (whichever you decide) there will be no more breastfeeding. Sounds simple enough but it never occurred to me that the child would actually be at an age where they would understand (having had 2 boys who self weaned before 18 months of age).

5. Have a “big girl” or “big boy” party to acknowledge the transition.

6. Tell your child that breastfeeding is only for the morning/night/at home and if he/she is thirsty or needs comfort he/she can get this from a cup or a cuddle. This is useful when trying to reduce the number of feedings gradually. It also avoids those stares from onlookers, horrified that you are STILL feeding your toddler.

7. Offer solid food before a breastfeed.

8. Use your partner as a distraction. It’s hard to refuse a feed if your child is right there, cuddling in your arms so let your partner hold your child and take of him/her at night

Have I missed anything?

I can’t say I did that much research into breastfeeding while I was pregnant with my first child. I knew it was good and just thought it the natural - not in the organic/herbal/no-chemicals/no additives natural but the normal/this is what is done after having a baby natural - thing to do. Plus I didn’t really want to have to deal with sterilising and scrubbing bottles and teats. I’m lazy.

Breastfeeding is physically demanding. Nobody warned me about that. Nobody told me that my body would go into milkmaking overdrive at the expense of almost everything else. Sleepless nights would inevitably mean I would have little milk the next day. It works out well, though (surely Allah is the best of planners) because it made me take care of myself. Taking naps here and there (OK - granted, it wasn’t enough and I could always do with more sleep) really helped. I was never one to drink water but breastfeeding is not possible without proper hydration. So there I was drinking copious amounts of water anytime I had a spare moment.

Breastfeeding is isolating. It’s lonely being the breastfeeding mother. I’m realising this now watching sister-in-law with her brand new beautiful daughter. Socialising is restricted to times when baby isn’t feeding (especially if you are not comfortable feeding with other people around or others are uncomfortable around you) and if baby likes to feed ALL the time and forever, it’s really hard to chat to people. What’s worse is that even at home with the family, it’s lonely. Baby can’t get sustenance from dad (of course there is the expressing milk option but remember, I’m lazy) so for nights, it’s just mum and baby - not saying fathers don’t help but in my experience they aren’t awake every night every 3 hours like mum is.

It’s a powerful comforter and the best way to reconnect with my baby. Since my 14 month old is on solids now and feeding less frequently I am finding my milk supply diminishing. It doesn’t mean either of us are ready to stop nursing. I am irritable lately and if he notices I am getting a little grumpy he becomes needy and wants to nurse. Right now, mum. NOW! It’s his way of asking, “are we OK, mum?” Of course there are other ways to bond with one’s child and a mother who doesn’t breastfeed is not inferior in any way. For me though there is nothing that quietens my son and makes him more happy than a nurse when he’s hungry or upset.

I’m a firm believer in child-led weaning but at the same time I feel a little bit uncomfortable thinking about nursing my children longer than say 24 months. So maybe that makes me not such a FIRM believer. Then again there are times when my three year old gets hurt or is inconsolable that my instinct is to just “whack him on” the breast to ease his discomfort.

My older boys just decided themselves that they had had enough of the nursing. My eldest decided at around his first birthday. I was devastated. My little man not only didn’t NEED me anymore but didn’t seem to even WANT me. Rejection like that is not easy to accept. My nearly 3 year old slowed down his nursing when he was about 15 months although his weaning was a little more gradual. After about 2 months we had stopped nursing altogether.

My youngest though shows no sign of ever stopping. He is huge comfort feeder - much more than the older two ever were. I’m not really that much of a prude and have no qualms about nursing in public - I do however nurse under my scarf (another good reason to wear hijab - the number one non-deen reason would have be to the bad hair day). I am happy to nurse anywhere but the thought of my son screaming at the top of his lungs for “Ne-ne” (his word for milk) or just lifting up my shirt or God-forbid UNDOING my buttons IN PUBLIC just makes me squirm. However I can’t see myself ever refusing my child the breast especially when that’s what he wants and needs whether it be for sustenance or for comfort.

What are your thoughts? Anybody have strong feelings about this either way? Do you have a “cut off age” whereby you will stop no matter what? For those without children, do you look at breastfeeding say a three year old as EWWWW? I’d love to get a discussion going here so please leave your comments!