Category: Australiana


I’ve never been much of name dropper and sadly it’s because I’ve never had any names to drop.

UNTIL NOW.

Guess who came to dinner? He has his own WIKI for goodness sake! It was a wonderful evening mashaAllah, he came bearing a stack of gifts from his beautiful wife, and the kids just adored him.

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BEFORE

Farhad: Do you think I can call him Wal or Wally?

Tasmiya: You are NOT calling him “Wal” or “Wally” or anything else. He’s WRITTEN A BOOK! People called “Wally” play rugby league (not union) and they DON’T WRITE BOOKS.

Farhad: What about QWALID like Talib KWELI? (obscene language warning)

Tasmiya: No!

Farhad: Awwww!

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Tasmiya: I dare you to stand near the arrival gate with a sign when you pick him up from the airport.

Farhad: You’re on.

The sign?:

“SUSAN’S HUSBAND”

Farhad actually did it, much to the amusement of Waleed and many other passengers disembarking.

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DURING

Tasmiya: Let Uncle Waleed show you what…is it ok if they call you “Uncle?”

Waleed: Sure, I don’t mind what they call me.

Tasmiya (thinking): Oh dear God, please don’t let Farhad call him “Wal.”

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AFTER

4 year old: Hey, remember when Uncle Woolley came and he drew the Batman sign?

Tasmiya: Yes, I do remember. It was really nice, wasn’t it? You know his name is Waleed.

4 year old: Uncle WILLY? His name is WILLY? HIS NAME IS WILLY??!!

Tasmiya: No, WaleeeeeD.

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You’re pretty alright, Susan’s Husband.

Honestly, would you just say it already? “I’m sorry” is going the same way as “another shrimp on the barbie” or “flamin’ galah” – words never uttered by real Australians.

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Kevin
Hey, did you hear about Frank?

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Malcolm
Nah, mate what happened?

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Kevin
Some bloke barged into his house and ransacked the whole place; stole his TV, his video camera and his car!

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Tony Abbott
How do you know that? Were you even there?! Who is teaching you all this bullsh*t?!

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Malcolm
Not very Christian of you, Tony.

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Tony Abbott
F**K OFF!

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Kevin
Would you two just knock it off?

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.Kevin
Actually, no – carry on. It makes me look good.Where’s Brendan?

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Tony Abbott
Who? Ohh..yeah Brendan..here he comes, with Frank.

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Kevin
Frank, mate. Ummm. Yeah…So..How are ….Umm. On behalf of all of us, sorry about what happened to you. Having all your crap stolen. That’s awful.

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Malcolm
Yeah, really sorry.

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Indigenous
Yeah, thanks for that, Kev. They stole everything I owned, man.

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Tony Abbott
Frank, I really take offense to you saying that they STOLE stuff from you. I mean, they might have actually been trying to HELP you. Did you ever think of that??

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Indigenous
Umm..no I didn’t actually th…

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Australian
Well, I’m not sorry. I didn’t do anything to ya. IT WASN’T MY FAULT. I’M NOT FRIGGIN’ SORRY, OK? He’s not f**king saying sorry on my behalf! I’m not sorry.

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Brendan
I’ve only just arrived so I’m not clued up on the whole thing…So what words did you actually use there, Kev? Look, Frank, I’m not sure if I’m saying sorry along with Kev. It really depends on the WORDING..You know what I mean? I’m not sure…. I’m not very sure of anything actually.

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Indigenous
Yeah ok, whatevs. Does anyone have a few bucks they can spare for the bus fare? Or can I get a ride with someone? I have to get to work and I have no transport.

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Kevin
I said sorry, Frank. I didn’t say I was going to HELP you or give you any money. Geeze.

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Brendan
Yeah…so..”sorry but no help?” Is that what we’re saying?

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Brendan
Hello?

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Brendan.
Anyone?

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