Well after promising to post more often, I go and have a long break. Making promises is really exhausting, I’ll have you know. Actually I have sat down and tried to type something numerous times but I’m easily distracted lately and bladder holding capacity as it is at the moment (NIL!) the toilet is where you oft find me (not that you really needed to know that).

I’ve been thinking a lot about guilt. Since becoming a parent there’s this sneaky emotion that kind of pops up out of the blue, trying ever so hard to chip away at my already very damaged motherhood self esteem. No wonder you hear about Mums taking their kids on huge guilt-trips – it’s payback! So people, if your mother constantly tries to make you feel guilty, remember – you were probably an awful child who made your mum feel horrible for most of her life.

Seriously though – I don’t have a big problem with guilt. Yes when it gets to the point that you’re beating yourself up over stupid things and it’s becoming damaging to those around you then it’s a HUGE problem. I realised this one day when I started feeling guilty about something I did in a dream. A DREAM, people! But of course you know they say that you would never do anything in a dream that you wouldn’t do in real life so it’s like I really actually did it. Good guilt for me is a way to regulate my behaviour, especially when it comes to looking after my children.

I have days when I am unreasonable and a little hard on the boys, especially my nearly 5 year old. Sometimes I’m so caught up with the situation I act irrationally. To give you an example – When I raise my voice at him and he reminds me of the rule( we have a “nice voice” rule in our house) I continue just so I can finish my sentence. The guilt is immediate – I realise my mistake, ask for forgiveness and try not to make the same mistake again. There are times I just keep going and the guilt will set in much later after I’ve realised what I’ve done……

Sorry – I have to make this short..boys want to go outside to make “potion” and if I’m not there it usually means either :

1. My plants will die

2. One of them will drink a concoction of dirt, water and grass

3. They’ll switch the hose on and clean the windows THAT ARE ALREADY OPEN!

More about guilt stuff another time inshaAllah

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