Tasmiya

How (NOT) to enjoin the good and forbid the evil

- do not at any time think of your own self but concentrate on the ill doings of others. You are perfect.

- tell anyone and everyone they will go to hell if they don’t listen to you.

- ensure you tell wrongdoers in the most offensive way possible and when they say they are offended, be sure to soften things by telling them, “I am saving you from the hell fire.. you should not be so arrogant…you should be thankful and take this as advice given out of love and concern for your afterlife…what if you are in a burning house, do you expect me to talk to you quietly and gently?!…I am doing this for your own good, why are you so stubborn that you cannot see?….”

To the lady in full make-up, hairdresser hairdo and designer sportswear, casually flipping through a magazine while cycling .00001 km/hr, glancing up occasionally to see if anyone is checking her out: GO HARD OR GO HOME. You’d burn more calories sitting in front of the TV and scoffing chocolate biscuits and the men are too busy checking themselves out to worry about you.

To the wanna be body builders lifting huge weights and then suddenly dropping the weights on the floor and swearing at the top of their lungs because they can’t finish a set: USE LIGHTER WEIGHTS! You won’t come across as a complete fool and we won’t have to worry about the floor caving in.

To the guys who use the dumbbells and put them in the WRONG PLACE: REMEMBER FROM WHENCE THEY CAME! I know you only use them for warm ups and the difference between a 15lb dumbbell and a 12.5lb may not be that evident to you but for a tiny lady like me, it means the difference between 2 days or A WHOLE WEEK of recovery.

To the gang of ELEVENTY people bagsing a machine so that nobody can have a go on it: HAVE SOME MANNERS! Spread yourselves around a bit.

To the men in general: USE DEODORANT for goodness sake. There are even signs when you enter. WHO NEEDS REMINDING on basic hygiene? You all, apparently.

To the aerobics instructor: Please change your mix of music. I’m getting really tired of Britney and Madonna ……..oh and Duran Duran for an aerobic class? What???

*Sigh*.

I lament the demise of the midday nap. This is a sad day in my parenting life and I am sure parents all over the world will empathise. 2 year old has decided he does not need the middle of the day nap which means he will continue his whining and demanding for 13 hours STRAIGHT. No respite or relief for poor 4 year old and me during the day and 7 year old and husband will have to deal with it in the afternoon and evenings. I am in for a month or so (oh dear God let it ONLY be a couple of weeks) of bouts of narcolepsy, terrible tantrums come 5 o’clock and at dinner time, inappetance and general grumpiness which the poor family will need to just suck it up and deal. AND THAT IS JUST ME, PEOPLE! Lord knows what the 2 year old will dish out.

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We finally got a gardener to come and fix up the garden. Of course we are green thumbs and horticulturists and landscape artists - it’s just that we don’t have the time and I am lazy and I hate getting my hands dirty. The garden actually looks decent alhamdulillah. I’ve had to call over 10 different people, 5 of whom said straight out they were too busy or did not work in this area. The other 5 however got my details, asked what I needed done, organised a time for a quote and then DID NOT SHOW UP. What is going on? Do they take a drive through the neighbourhood, assume we are povos with no money (which isn’t that far from the truth - that dishwasher cost a fortune) and then leave quietly. Do they take one look at the yard, realise it’s beyond repair and beat a hasty retreat? Even if they are busy and yes I can completely understand that people are busy and alhamdulillah they have work now that the rains have come but if you can’t make your appointment then ring to cancel or reschedule! It isn’t that difficult. Plus remember - one day you will enrage a woman who has the memory of an ELEPHANT when it comes to being wronged and she will warn others never to accept your gardening services EVER EVER AGAIN BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD THE DECENCY TO CALL BACK OR PITCH UP FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT, GRAHAM and RAHEEM (I think this is a Muslim man, because his surname sounds eerily familiar and if this is the case then SHAME ON YOU TWICE!) and SHANE and JIM and JAMES.

And I don’t want to sound like I’m threatening you guys or anything but - I have your number. And I know where you live.

I may take it upon myself to NOT CALL you. Or better yet NOT TURN UP AT YOUR PLACE AND REARRANGE YOUR GARDEN FOR YOU.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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And now that I’ve finished whinging, let me tell you about my wonderful children. 4 year old will always open the boot for me and 7 year old proceeds to fold up the pram and put it securely in the boot while I am busy strapping in the 2 year old. These are my little angels.

I don’t think I’ve been this emotional over a federal election.

For a long time a brother has been leaving little Liberal Party pamphlets/paraphernalia around our local masjid which has bugged me but of course I never said anything. Now, the masjid has decided to put placards of Gary Hardgrave’s (member for the Liberal Party) ugly mug outside the building!

Now, anyone who reads my blog knows that I don’t much like our Prime Minister, John Howard and I cannot understand the appeal of the Liberal Party except for those who are already rich but still money hungry, racists and selfish people. Which apparently is MOST OF THE AUSTRALIAN POPULATION OH MY GOD END THIS MISERY SOON.

So of course I’ve been angry (to the point of nearly vomiting) over the masjid board’s decision to advertise the wan man. I thought would I be so annoyed if there were placards of the local Greens member or the local Democrat member? And yes I say I would be. It’s a place of worship for goodness sake and I don’t want politics anywhere near it.

Besides, Muslims are not an amorphous Liberal voting bunch no matter how much support* this particular Liberal may be showing us at this very moment. So whoever made the decision on behalf of the worshipers at my masjid can kindly take the placard down and put it in front of his house, not the house of God.

I don’t think I can help myself. I feel an angry letter coming and doctor, I canna stand the strain!

* And by “support” I actually mean eating all our steak burgers, Portuguese chicken and chips

Horrid Colleague: So have you had much to do with ultrasounds, then?

Tasmiya: Not really though the previous practice I worked had purchased one just before I left.

Horrid Colleague: They didn’t have…I mean you wouldn’t have had many ultrasounds….I mean in your day.

Tasmiya: (meak voice): I’m not THAT old.

I mean they’ve been around since the 1940s surely. What? Do I look SIXTY years old??

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Horrid Colleague: I’ll just run the blood tests on this dog in hospital if that’s ok.

Tasmiya (busy seeing to critical, nearly dying cat): Yeah, sure.

30 minutes later, Tasmiya has stabilised critical cat while Horrid Colleague finally gets dog out of cage for blood collection.

Tasmiya: I hate to be a pain but I generally like to do the workup on my own cases so I’m happy for you to look at the dog and assess but I’d actually like to do the blood collection and do the health profile.

Horrid Colleague: So you want to do the blood test?

Tasmiya: Yes.

Horrid Colleague: But just before I asked you if I could do it and you said that was fine.

Tasmiya: I know but that was because I was busy before.

Horrid Colleague (throwing her arms in the air): Fine! If you want to do it then that’s just FINE!

Tasmiya: I didn’t mean you couldn’t examine the dog for yourself….

Horrid Colleague : NO, that’s quite alright. I just didn’t want the dog sitting there being neglected and not having anything done to it.

Nevermind that she had left it for half an hour.-

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Horrid Colleague: So who is the night vet on then?

Nice Colleague: Me.

Horrid Colleague: So you’re here tonight?

Nice Colleague: Yeah, till 8:30

Horrid Colleague: That’s not the night vet, that’s the evening vet. I mean who is on the overnight shift?

Nice Colleague: That would be the OVERNIGHT VET.

This conversation actually went for much longer but it was nice to see someone else have a problem with Horrid Colleague. At least I know it isn’t just me. What would I know anyway? I’m just an old fuddy duddy.

Dear People Who Made My Washing Machine,

I am writing to you to express my disappointment with your product. For a company who purports to make life good for families I am afraid you are doing a very poor job. My old THOR washing machine has served me very well for the past 10 years without need of advice on care, maintenance and with parts always in functional order. Unfortunately due to wear and tear, the water pump stopped working and I was advised it would be cheaper to purchase a brand new washing machine than continue to replace parts for my old one.

Having 3 young children, my main concern was any electronic gizmo in the form of a washing machine be completely CHILD PROOF so Child Lock was a necessity. After speaking with a dealer, having made clear that child lock was the most important feature in my purchasing, I was advised that the top of the range washer FROM YOUR COMPANY was indeed the best way to go.

After installation imagine my horror when I read the manual stating that your child lock facility meant that all buttons except the power button are made inoperable. How can this be called “Child Lock”? Furthermore, once the power button is pressed, the machine FORGETS the stage of the cycle it was in and I must then start the wash all over again. If the idea of child lock is to prevent the child from interrupting and changing the wash cycle, then please explain how allowing the OFF button to remain operational helps me do this.

When I called your customer service a very polite woman explained due to safety reasons, your company felt it was in everyone’s best interest to have this paltry excuse of a “child lock.” I understand that safety is a real consideration when designing any product but please give parents SOME credit that we actually know how to operate the PLUG IN THE WALL to switch off the machine should an emergency arise.

I asked your employee how I am supposed to overcome this obstacle and she so helpfully suggested I teach my child “not to touch that one particular button.” If I could teach my child not to touch particular buttons then WHY WOULD I NEED A CHILD LOCK IN THE FIRST PLACE? I can only deduce that your company’s idea of “child lock” is to lock the child away from the machine.

Really, are you trying to be deliberately alienate and patronise your parent customers?

My dealer has organised to have your washing machine taken away. I want nothing to do with this poor excuse for a family washing machine or your company until such time you can show me you can actually make life good for me.

Thank you.

-Annoyed

I’m going through a depressed phase at the moment. I can’t deal with anything or anybody right now. My children; no matter how much time and how much of myself I give it just never seems enough. How much more do they want from me? I can’t give if I don’t have anything left! And none of them wants to give me a break so I can refuel. I don’t know if this is true depression or just a sad phase. All I know is that I’m tired and snippy. Snippy because I am tired or tired because I’m snippy or both.

To taxi driver: STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

To clients: I am not a miracle worker. The miracle worker’s name is GOD.

To work colleagues: Please stop asking me questions WHEN I AM WALKING OUT THE DOOR. Believe it or not, I would like to go home after my shift is over.

To cats: Thank you for using the litter tray.

To scarf on my head: STAY PUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

To hot cup of tea: Thank you for the perfect end to a not so perfect day.