I’ve been a mean Mummy for oh I don’t know my whole parenting life the past fortnight or even longer. I’ve become irritable and short tempered and just plain mean. I have very little patience with the boys and I am getting angry way too easily. I complain too much but the fact is that it’s ME not them that’s the problem.
Children do not misbehave for the sole purpose of annoying us or “getting back at us” (sure, they know it’s annoying and that you’re probably going to get angry or upset) they do it because they’ve lost their way, they’re alone and don’t know how else to reach out to us. So it becomes a bit of a conundrum. I’m upset about nothing in particular, take it out on the boys, the boys feel disconnected, they start misbehaving, I get angry and the whole vicious circle goes around.
I’ve been re-reading Playful Parenting but the truth is lately I haven’t been good at getting my children to laugh away their bad feelings. Laurence Cohen quotes Patty Wipfler quite a lot and so after a bit of googling I discovered exactly who she is. I’ve read practically all the articles available on her site and it’s making a whole lot of sense to me. I highly recommend them – especially Being “In Control” The Possible and Impossible in Parenting.
So I’ve been letting my children have their tantrums, their emotional outbursts and the misbehaving, always staying close by and trying to comfort them or just staying with them while they work through their bad feelings. I don’t need to tell you just how emotionally draining this is working out to be. It’s really so much easier to use the time-out or the screaming option. I am totally spent by the end of the day and needless to say, even more grumpy. Which is why she stresses we need to have a “listening partner” – someone with whom we can talk about our feelings without fear of being judged. Someone who isn’t going to offer assvice advice. For me that’s husband who will have to learn that it’s not his job (at least not this time) to try and FIX things up. Just to sit and listen and to occasionally say I’m sorry or yes, you are absolutely right! or no, wait a minute let me just make you a cup of tea and biscuits? you’d like a chocolate biscuit? let me rush to the corner store and get some for you and no, no trouble at all. and so on and so forth…..
Anyway, check out the links and let me know what you think and it’s ok for you to say it’s complete rubbish – I delete welcome dissenting opinions.
Edit : Just so y’all know – I’m not letting them get away with violence or throwing thing or any other acts of aggression – I move in really quickly to stop anything that is getting out of control.
don’t worry, it’s just a mood swing that we all have. they’re usually short but really annoying. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood to do the right thing. i’ll look at the articles when i have a chance inshaAllah. When i get into a low mood i ask my husband to take the kids out on the weekend for a couple hours to the mall or playground so i can have a break and do whatever it is that was bothering me. Try to think of what is really bothering you and think of a solution to that.
I read the article you suggested and then a few others (I’ve bookmarked the page to go back for more later…off to the zoo this morning…like my own house isn’t enough of a zoo for me…heheh). It’s such a different approach to parenting that it scares me. To let go of that view that we must control children in order to help them grow up responsibly…very scary. But I must say, the controlling approach isn’t work well on my boys. So perhaps a completely different tact is worth a go. I’ll keep reading and see if I’m brave enough to give it a go.
Um Ibrahim : I think my being stuck in this rut has been going on for way too long. My husband took the boys shopping on Saturday – I recharged my batteries and got a ton of laundry done. I think I can conquer the world now
Tracey : Hope the boys had fun at the zoo today. The controlling thing doesn’t work with my boys, either. Time outs work inconsistently at our house and I guess I don’t need to tell everyone that yelling never works!
When I was trying to find out more about natural learning I read through several articles and web sites hoping to gain some new insights that could help with the raising and educating of my kids. What I found afterwards was that, although I didn’t agree with it, some of the views affected me to the point that I was wondering if I was doing the right thing by “imposing lessons” (this is not to say that I force lessons but just like other things which parents expect their kids to do like washing hands after going to the toilet, so I expect my daughter to do her lessons as it is a part of our routine). It took me some time to shrug off that natural learning perspective from the back of my mind.
So (getting to the point now), after that, I have been cautious with looking into parenting advice because I didn’t want to be affected negatively. Anyway, after having a look through the links you mentioned, it seems that there is some really good advice and strategies.
I am especially in favour of the idea that one should take the time to actually find out and listen to the kid’s problem. Just because it’s a 2 or 3 year old who is having trouble articulating the problem, this does not mean that they should be dismissed offhand. My 3 yr old has tantrums but sometimes I am amazed at his patience when I say something like, “Yes I will come and play with you in a minute. I just want to hear what so-and-so has to say.” Then he just waits there, and I am floored that he actually believes me and trusts me that I will return to him as promised and that I’m not just trying to distract him. He becomes really angry if he senses that I am simply trying to dismiss him. And sometimes, even if I deny him his request, but do it in such a way that he knows I have listened and understood what exactly he wants, he is much more calm about it.
So, thanks for pointing the site out. I hope to revisit it from time to time.
As for the short temperedness, do you think it could simply be a build up of tension/stress/frustration that one experiences while taking care of littlies? I get like that too sometimes and if I get to have time out somehow, I am ready to get right back into it. Sometimes I take the kids and walk about 10 mins to my sister’s place and just the walk helps me to breathe again. Or I might call someone, and if the kids are awake and not totally engrossed in something, this normally means I am walking all around the house while trying to talk since they seem to gravitate towards me when I’m on the phone – even as I keep moving!
Good luck with that and if you ever figure out how to deal with it or how/why it happens, let me know
Salaam;
I am sure you are not a mean mommie. Just a stressed out one. I went through a very similar period when A2 was about three or four months old and it lasted until….well, until he started becoming more independent. I was so overwhelmed with the constant neediness of a newborn combined with the sudden insecurity of my four year old, who became extremely clingy.
Have you read Raising Cain? It’s extremely insightful into the minds of little boys, masha’Allah, and I’ve learned a lot from the book. Since you have three (three!) little boys, I think it might help you as well. Having that insight into A1′s head actually helped de-stress me a bit. Not as much as A2′s newfound ability to crawl in a direction away from me, but it still helped.
My husband also needs to learn how NOT to fix. I try talking to him and he’s full of suggestions on how I can improve my mothering abilities. At such times, I sincerely wish for the ability to do a wrestling bodyslam.
I DON’T NEED ADVICE!
(slam!)
JUST CHOCOLATE!
(jump! slam!)
Yes, I think it is quite normal to be “frustrated, bad tempered or what you call a bad mummy”. You are not a bad mummy, if you know what it is bothering you, you can try and fix it. Some parents take everything out on their kids all the time with out even thinking twice about it. You are a really aware mum and knows what your children are going through. Yes, it does get tough sometimes, I am the first to agree there, we all have bad days. I think you need some credit to what a great mum you are! We all need a break from time to time for a release. No one is perfect especailly at parenting. I think all the different styles of parenting are like the different styles of homeschooling – you can pick and choose and then take what works for you. Sometimes you just have to give something different a go.
Tasmiya,
I like that article about being in control. I must admit I’m a bit of a control freak, and it’s hard for me to let go and relax. It especially gets me when the kids won’t do as they’re told – or when I expect them to be nice and helpful, and they’re angry and reluctant. This article has put things in perspective for me – now to put it to practice – that’s the challenge!