Yesterday we managed to get ourselves organised enough to be EARLY for school. We decided to head over to the library where 5 year old could drool over his favourite science book. As we walked towards the library we passed one of 5 year old’s classmastes. The two boys greeted each other in that 5 year old way – awkward wave and mumbled hellos and all without any eye contact. I asked 5 year old if he would like to invite his friend to the library. Without hesitation he whispered, “No, mummy. He doesn’t know about the scarf…oh maybe he does know about it..no, no I don’t think he does.”
I was floored. Could my son actually be embarrassed about my scarf?
He knows we’re Muslim and other people are not. I’ve never made a point to draw attention to my scarf but he has asked questions and made observations ever since he was young:
“How did you know to give salam to that lady, mum? We don’t know her.”
“Why do some Muslim women not wear scarf?”
“How come xxxxx’s mother wears her scarf around her neck but not on her head?”
“We have to tell xxxx about gelatine/pork/meat because he/she doesn’t know about halal and haraam.”
I’ve always answered truthfully. We’re Muslim – that’s why I wear clothes a little bit different to most people. Some Muslims don’t wear scarf or wear it a little bit differently. It doesn’t mean they’re bad Muslims – they are just different to us. Most non-Muslims don’t have the same rules we do about eating or dressing or washing after the toilet etc etc.
I do think it’s important (since we live in a non-Muslim country) for my Muslim child to know that we are different to non-Muslims but at the same time I want him to be happy and comfortable enough of his and his family’s “Muslimness” so that he isn’t embarrassed or ashamed around non-Muslims. It’s even more difficult to instill this in my child living in this country as our political leaders seem to be so intolerant & ignorant about our faith and our ummah. We are already confronting, not wanting to obey the laws of this land, oppress all of our women (I really like this article) and are generally no-hopers on the dole. If we have “ethnic” sounding names, we can’t possibly be Australian.
I really value the comments I get from my readers so please let me know what you think – How do you as Muslim parents living in “Western” countries strike that balance in your child between being conscious of being different to non-Muslims but at the same time not self-conscious of it (if you get my meaning)? Does it make any difference for those of you living in Muslim countries? If you are not Muslim, how do you address your children’s questions about Muslims or indeed anyone a little “different.” Am I making too much of an issue about being “different?”
Interesting question Tasmiya…
Personally, I aim to deal with this scenario by:
1) Making clear their (the kids) place in the world, as a Muslim, ie. as a slave of Allah. In other words, they should be confident of who they are.
2) Having them generally understand the place in which they live, ie. majority non-Muslim, but still many Muslims. It also helps to contrast with other places that have a majority Muslim population. (For example, how basically everywhere sells halal food, many mosques, most women covering etc)
3) On the question of the status of non-Muslims my general answer is that, on the one hand, there are some people who do not know about Islam so we should explain to them if they want to know, and on the other hand, that Allah has made the world such that not everyone will be Muslim.
I prefer to point out our similiarities rather than our differences. But still explain that everyone is different. Wouldn’t the world be a boring place if we were all the same. There is an excellent picture book by Mem Fox called “Whoever You Are”
http://www.memfox.com/whoever-you-are.html
This ones points out all our differences and then draws us all back together saying we all love, we all hurt and we all have the same needs. My explanation doesn’t do it justice. Mem is more poetic than I am.
Tracey
PS. To whoever recommended “Raising Cain”. I’m reading it currently and love it. It’s changing the way I deal with my boys. Thanks.
When a child learns more about Islam and how it is to be a muslim, I think the child will understand why he is different from his non-muslim friends. At each instance, it is best to explain to the child why we do certain things or why we can’t do it. Inshallah Allah will guide us all.
Asalaam Alaikum Warahmat Allah,
I am raising 4 small children in the US. Small meaning, 10 months, 2, 4, 6. Its so important to teach them EVERYTHING..before they ge6 year old t thoughts in their heads and judge for themselves. Ask them questions of what they think and then mold their thoughts to the Truth. For example, my 6 year old girl asked me when she was barely 3 why a woman was only wearing underwear in the store. ( they were really short shorts). I told her because she is not Muslim and maybe she doesnt know she about Allah they way we do..
Another example, is like your sons q’ of why some wear hijab and others don’t: I have explained that some Muslims find it easier to do certain forms of Ibaada while others find it harder..that we should help each other by reminding each other. Its so important to tell them right from wrong instead of just saying ‘
‘DIFFERENT’
My 4 yr old goes to a non-islamic school and she is the only Muslim there . I ALWAYS try to tell her how kind and nice her teachers are and tell her to make duaa for them that they will be Muslim so they can be in Jannah with her. I also think its so needed to go in and teach the other kids about our holidays etc..at any opportunity.
Talking to your kids about everything they see, hear, taste, and feel in the concept of ISLAM.. and teaching them about the history through ways they can understand of Rasullilah (saw); reminding them that Allah is watching them every single second of life..
and telling them of the hereafter in description is SO IMPORTANT for them to feel proud and yet grateful to be Muslim. They wont feel like they are missing so much if they have so much. Make them feel so praoud of themselves for doing a kind deed and teach them about the reward/hassanat that Allah prepares for them for doing any small good act..
keep talking to him about pleasing Allah by being a good boy and talk to him about JANNAH..EVERYDAY. you might be pleasantly surprised and see that he isnt embarrassed anymore..rather he his proud.
Make sure you explain in AS MUCH DETAIL as you think he can understand to any question he asks WHY MAMA?
may Allah guide us in guiding our children.!
Salaam;
I really don’t know if it’s what I’ve done or if it’s A1′s natural personality — but he doesn’t seem to pay attention to that sort of thing, at least not yet.
I haven’t played up or played down the differences between our family and non-Muslim families. I have, so far, simply let it be and handled what few questions have come as they have come (“why don’t we have a tree in our house like Grandma?” from last Christmas, for example).
Have you asked your son why he said that about your scarf in regards to his friend? My first instinct is to tell you to find out the reason behind his words, and proceed from there. Let him give his concerns a voice, and then address them as they come up. He’s articulate and bright, masha’Allah, and I am sure that he’ll be able to tell you what he was thinking at the time. It could be a misunderstanding, or it could be not quite a misunderstanding but still a crossed-wires situation.
I know, masha’Allah, that you must be doing a really good job with your children for your son to be able to talk to you about whatever’s in his head.
Salaam ‘Alaikum
I encourage my daughter to be friendly with non Muslim girls her age in the area, at skating, etc., but it is ultimately up to her if she’s up for the challenge. The way the girls approach her can be confusing and frustrating: it seems that they want to be friendly, but then, as girls that age are wont to be, they turn around and say, not in the nicest way sometimes, “What’s that thing on your head?” My daughter learned some hard lessons straight out of the gate when she started wearing hijab (teenagers laughing and pointing at her) and she’s learned to be wary — as a kid, she knows how mean kids can be. So her friends tend to be Muslim kids.
My son has non Muslim friends b/c he goes to public school. Again, with him, I would encourage this, but he’s going to Islamic school next year and every year thereafter (God willing).
The main issue, for me as the mother of an older child, is that at the age my daughter is now, you get into the realm of boys and girls and “she likes him, he likes her,” and makeup and all this stuff that I can not allow in the name of reaching out. I’m not saying it’s “their” fault or they shouldn’t be allowed to let their daughters be interested in this stuff, but I can’t afford that. I have to protect and keep her from that, and let her know that I do not condone or approve of the sort of boy / girl / make-up obsession that springs up in middle school (I was in MS not *too* many years ago; I remember what it was like).
I will answer you as a sympathetic non-muslim.
I think all children are forced to confront their “difference” at school and in society, whether it be for religion, diet, learning disorders, athletic aptitude, or simply their personality or general values (this list could go on for a page!) Groups of children are remarkably efficient at pinpointing “outsiders” and attempting to ostracize or control them. It can be based on faith or culture, but at the end of the day, my experience has been that any excuse will do.
I think that whatever values are important to you (in this case, the Muslim faith) it’s important for you to keep talking to your kids, discuss their fears, and give them pride and confidence in those values. If they understand that their faith and their differences are strengths– that other kids ask questions or criticize differences because they are STRONG, not because there is something “wrong” with them or “weird” about them, then they will grow up to cherish and protect those values, and pass them on to their children.
You can’t make society fair (not all by yourself, anyway!) And you can’t protect your kids every moment of their lives, so they never feel self-conscious. But you can help them feel strong. You can also instill in them an empathetic acceptance of the value of others and their differences, so what they put out into the world is as positive as what you hope they will take away from it.
Salaam;
You’ve been linked!
I expect you’ll figure it out sooner or later from Site Meter, at the very least, if nothing else, but I thought you’d be interested in knowing (if you didn’t know already):
http://blogher.org/node/3779