I’m not sure if this exists in any other culture but mine.
When a woman marries, she ceases to be part of her family and is now part of her husband’s family. Sounds nice in a creepy insane sort of way. Curiously (or maybe not) in my language, the literal translation of ‘husband’ is ‘owner’. Not only is the woman owned by her husband but by her husband’s family too. After marriage a woman is expected not only to serve her husband but to look after the needs and wants of his parents, his brothers and sisters and anyone else who happens to be related to him. She isn’t allowed to have too much contact with her family and if she goes to visit her family oh the eyebrow raising and tsk-tsking and the silent treatment is just the beginning.
If it sounds melodramatic and archaic, it’s because it is – this is something you SHOULD only see in b-grade Bollywood films when in the end the mother-in-law kills the daughter-in-law because she didn’t make the rotis properly, put too much salt in the curry and didn’t boil the cha long enough and hence deserved to die.
It’s never actually talked about but these unspoken golden rules are still alive and kicking (at least in my neck of the woods -which is 2006 AUSTRALIA for goodness sake). I don’t have to tell you that most of problems stem from interactions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It’s not overt. It starts with a few insensitive comments here and there from MIL maybe it’s about cooking or mothering skills. DIL talks back, gets put in her place or she just quietly takes it all and cries to herself or to husband. I could go on with examples of the sheer stupidity but to be honest, I’m not exactly sure who in my family reads this blog and I don’t want to stir the pot.
So what’s my point? My point is that the cycle never ends. Women in general have life tougher than men anyway so why are women hating on other women and making their lives harder? Why is the woman who complains at the unfair treatment her daughter receives the same woman who berates and belittles her daughter-in-law? What is it in some of us women that makes us believe the only way we are ever going to feel important and good about ourselves is to make another woman feel worthless?
Why are we not supporting one another?
Sorry this really isn’t flowing very well ..I might edit this later.
Don’t worry doctorsister & fee – nothing happened – I’m just thinking, that’s all.
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“and cries to herself or to husband…” Ah! I wish I had that liberty…and so goes the story of my life….
Muslim mama
Assalamu Alaikum Tasmiya,
i hear what you’re saying and this is a reality for some women that live near (or with) their in-laws unfortunately. It’s interesting the way you analyzed it as women making other women’s lives miserable. This is probably the answer. These behaviors are learned and get passed down. Some people wake up and try to resist acting like their parents but others don’t care enough to change or don’t succeed in changing. When a woman has been hurt and treated this way by her in-laws she may take revenge by doing that to her daughter-in-law. it’s sad but it sometimes happens that way. A lot of times when i see that someone has done something hurtful or impolite, i often think that maybe they were hurt in the past and it’s a sore spot for them so they are acting out of that hurt.
The other thing is that a woman needs to put herself in her mother in law’s place. Imagine if you were older, wiser, had a lot of experience in cooking and cleaning and child raising and you want to pass on some advice and tips. You are meaning to help or just KNOW that your way of doing things would be more efficient or better. A lot of people just like things to be the they want and can’t stand someone else doing things a different way. And older people have a hard time keeping quiet. i noticed that older people just speak their mind.
Having said that, i do know that there are MILs that step over this boundary of trying to be helpful and actually treat their DILs badly and are hurtful etc. This will be found in every culture. There are tons of American hollywood movies and books on this very theme.
But what can women in a such a position do? It would be ideal if the husband would step up and defend his wife when certain boundaries are crossed. But husbands sometimes cling to the idea that they cannot speak up to their mothers at all. They need to be reminded that their wife, like any human, has the right to be treated fairly and with respect, and be given a chance to try to do things her way sometimes. But that the MIL’s input and help is appreciated and will be taken into consideration. The DIL should not just keep her hurt feelings bottled up because sooner or later it’s going to build up too much and an explosion will occur.
In all relationships, the best thing is to be open and honest. Guilt trips, crying, anger, yelling, silent treatment are going to make things worse and won’t work at all. The wife should be open with her husband: “I appreciate your mother and her advice and help but sometimes i want the chance to learn things on my own and sometimes do things my way.” The husband should be open with his mother and explain this to her. When it’s said in a nice way and the MIL feels appreciated and wanted then she can understand the DIL’s feelings and will try to give her some room.
It’s all perspective: you can look at it as if your MIL is trying to ruin your life by forcing you to do things her way. Or you can look at it like you have this older well-experienced woman whom you can ask any question you have in your mind or discuss various issues with. There is this older person that is a connection to how things were in the recent past and how people did things in the past and how life was like in another country in another time. It’s fascinating.
which word used for husband means owner?
“danni” – trying hard to get the right phonetic spelling. It isn’t an Urdu or Hindi word as far as I know.
Amen sister!