I have a friend (or at least I HAD a friend) a very long time ago when I was living in another city. MashaAllah her family accepted me as their own and I spent many a weekend either at her house, or out with her.
We were very different but surprisingly hit it off. She taught me to SAY what I was feeling, rather than bottling things up and stewing. She taught me to be honest about what I want and to go for it. I think the only thing she ever learnt from me is that dweebs are not actually just imaginary creatures, but we do exist in real life.
After I got married, I saw less of her but maintained contact over the phone and invited her to my place a few times. Then husband and I left to come back home to Brisbane. We sort of lost contact but still emailed once in a while.
Then I don’t know what happened. I had the babies and she got on with her life. I phoned every so often and she was invariably out and about (social butterfly that she is mashaAllah) so I would chat with her mum and we would sit and talk for a good half hour to an hour. Everytime I hung up, I made sure I told Auntie to tell my friend to CALL ME!
She never did.
She’s getting married this weekend and while I am truly not upset that I haven’t been invited to the wedding, I wonder just what happened to our friendship. How can two people go from being so close to not having any contact at all?
What worries me even more is what did I do? Then again, my friend is not one to shy away from confrontation and I thought if I had wronged her in any way, she would be on to me like a mongoose to a snake. Why the silent treatment? Part of me is scared to speak to her should she indeed return my call. I’d hate to think I’ve been a bad person but at the same time I really want to know why we drifted apart so.
i can’t imagine how you feel.
i have a friend that got married before i did and she cut off completely. suddenly she didn’t have the time to call, or meet. ever.
about a year later she started rebuilding the bridges. now it’s in phases – she’s great about keeping in touch when she feels like it, basically. and then there would be long stretches when i didn’t hear from her. it really messed with my head for a while, but now i’m used to it.
why do women do this to each other?
If I really cared about someone like you do, I would ask her politely what happened. Maybe, unknowingly, you did hurt her. If you haven’t, it’ll only make her realise how she’s been ignoring you.
I’d say call her!
I know exactly what you’re feeling right now. I’ve been through it before and to this day, I still don’t have answers as to what I possibly did wrong or what actually went wrong.
Only difference is, this friend and I are talking again but it’s not even like it was before. It’s just the usual small talk. And to think, we were practically blood brothers. I think I spent more time at his house than at mine sometimes!
One day it all got to me and I confronted him about it and didn’t get much apart from ‘you should know what you did wrong’. Yeah, nice one.
Things aren’t the same anymore and I think that’s more because this person clearly didn’t feel like reconciling or fixing things up. They used a ‘ripped shirt’ analogy. You take a normal shirt and rip it up. You can sew it all up again but it’s not the same shirt anymore is it? That’s what we have. Sew it up all you want but it’ll never be the same again, so why bother?
Stupid attitude really but that’s the way it is. I’ve moved on but tell you what, not having closure is a pain in the derriere.
I guess you could be the better woman and call…least you’d be doing your bit to try and see what’s up. You can only push people so far and when they don’t want to budge, not much else you can do (within legal boundaries at least).
I really feel for you cuz. Keep channelling all your energies towards your family and towards Islam. Leave the rest to Allah.. He is the best of planners.
Sorry for writing an essay… I’m having a bit of a “writers moment” in my life atm
Mona: I really don’t know why! Alhamdulillah you are still in contact with your friend, albeit sporadically.
Suroor: I called and spoke to her mum yesterday (she was at work – I was hoping she might have had the day off since it’s so close to her wedding day) and again, asked her mum to tell her to phone me. I rang again in the evening and spoke to someone else – made her write the number down and my name. She still didn’t call.
Jaaved: No worries about the long comment
I am also worried she’s going to say “You should know what you did.” I think I need that closure thing, too. I mean if she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and feels as though I’ve really hurt her, then at least tell me so I can either have a chance to fix it or move on and make sure I don’t make the same mistake with other friends.
IT”S NOT YOU!!!! It is her, and for whatever reason, she has decided that it is best for her to cut off contact. It may be she did this with many old friends. Make du’a for her to be happy, and ask for forgiveness for any hurt you may have caused unintentionally. If it meant to be that you will speak in the future, it will be. As Allah wills in all things.
Ya Haqq!
I agree with Irving now! I had a friend who lied to me once that she had cancer! Then she disappeared and avoided me like I was her plague
I thought I had hurt her but she was just embarrassed because she had told such a huge lie to gain my trust and friendship. Maybe your friend has some ugly skeletons in the closet too!
your parting shot could always be a dose of laxatives in your ‘friends’ Coco Pops…
your call…
Salam Tasmiya,
i think you answered your own question – you got married, and then had babies. She didn’t. That’s it. That’s the reason. Marriage and Kids is up high on the ‘stress’ list and ‘jealosy’ list and i’m sure that’s what put a barrier between you. I’m sure she feels badly about how she distanced you so i am guessing that she would love a chance to re-conciliate now that she is finally getting married. InshaAllah khair.
Irving: May Allah reward you! You are right. I will stop wallowing now. It’s not me
Suroor: Wow. Your friend must have been very desperate for friendship to lie like that. Husband thinks the same as you..maybe there is something my friend is embarrassed about. Allah knows.
Jaaved: Not my style
Mona UmIbrahim: Thank you for your kind words. Marriage shouldn’t be a barrier to friends (I mean men never give up their friendships after marriage. What is is with us women? I really would like to reconcile. INshaAllah one day
I’ve had that from friends. And some friends have had that from me. Not necessarily anyone’s fault. Life happens and it gets complicated. I need to call my friend Shaheda …
Sis,
why not write her a little note? you could start it off to congratulate her on getting married and all that, and then just out right say that you get the feeling that she’s upset with you, and you’re not sure why, and would really like to reconcile? if after that, you don’t hear from her, let it rest. she’s giving you a clear statement (for whatever reason; as Irving said, it’s about her, not you), and all you can do is take it, and move on. you can only do what you can, and if she really wants to cut ties after you try all the other avenues, then that may, sadly, be it.
good luck! and let us know what happens.
There is an unspoken and huge barrier between my single friends and my married w/ kid self. It makes me “older” even if i’m not. There is a distance there, that perhaps removes me from their state of mind, their scene, their coolness, and frankly, it turns me into an “auntie” in their eyes. Oh well. Nothing i can do about it… They’ll be busy/bored SAHMs like me someday too