Comments, phrases and opinions guaranteed to increase your blog comments or better yet, start a blog war.

For Mummy Bloggers:

1. Boob Nazi. Cue horrified breastfeeding advocates resenting being associated with “that word” or “those people.” Someone else will say “ANTI-SEMITISM” and then everyone is quiet and they’ve forgotten what they were arguing about until another will pipe up about the conspiracy that is formula milk so we should all feel sorry for the bottlefed people, really.

2. I feel sorry for stay at home mothers. Cue like minded people who say things like “What must they DO with their time and how are they helping this country sitting on their fat bums all day watching Oprah and Dr Phil?” Stay at home mothers will get on the defensive and start blaming all the ills of society on the fact that children were put into daycare and raised by strangers just because mothers wanted to go out and drink coffee in an office.

3. I really need to take a break from my children. Cue parents lamenting about how awful a parent you must be to actually want to be away from the children – I mean after all, you helped MAKE them! They are designed to be worn all the time and you are most certainly not allowed ANY time for yourself. Only selfish people want “me-time” whatever happened to FAMILY time etc. Counterattack by other parents making comments about attachment parents/gentle mothering (usually called (s)mothering) and breastfeeding their children until they are 12 years of age.

4. I trained my baby to sleep… Cue happy parents who have also done this with their children and way to go it was hard but worth it in the end; babies need to cry before they sleep; I waited 50 minutes before I went in there to clean his vomit; I really needed to do it, I was desperate for sleep and so on. Counterattack by mothers MORTIFIED and angry that anyone could do such a thing to their baby; sending message of total rejection; this is CHILD ABUSE IN IT’S (sic) MOST BASIC FORM etc etc.

5. Any mention of childbirth, be it caesarian, homebirth, epidural or other forms of pain relief. Cue mothers opposed to any or all of the above. Because we all know the sort of birth experience you have dramatically impacts on your child and a “bad” birth is the leading cause of violence and drug abuse amongst teens.

For Muslim bloggers:

1. G*y Muslims. Cue comments along the lines of “HARAAM!” and “There is no such thing as a g*y Muslim/astagfirullah/deviants. Then witness counterattack with “homosecktuality is common even in animals so how can you say it isn’t natural??!” Counter-counter attack with “You will burn in hell, fag*ot!”
2. Hijab and Niqab. Witness the melee as commenters go from the hijab-is-compulsory-loose-hair=loose-woman to those who say that even though they don’t wear hijab, they dress very modestly and they are much better than those who cover their hair and wear tight clothes and let us not forget those niqabis who take off their niqab while they are at work/school/partying/doing drugs and they are so much better a Muslim because THEY pray 5 times a day and those hijabis/niqabis don’t and besides, it only matters what’s on the inside etc etc and they really love hijabis anyway. Cue comments from “sympathetic” non-Muslim male about how the poor Muslim woman has no idea that hijab is actually NOT compulsory in Islam. He knows because he’s read it on an anti-Islam website (where he gets all his information on Islam from, mind you). Feminists pitch in with how degrading and oppressive it is and it’s the most overt sign of the patriarchy and hence must be abolished. Then we have my favourite comment “Well the word hijab isn’t even in the Qur’an! We’re just supposed to cover OUR BOSOMS!” Follow up with the “yeah and in those days, they needed to keep the sand out of their hair and eyes but nowadays everything is concrete.” Small infights develop between those we think are on the same side-”Only niqab is good enough and hijabis are still beautiful and so are still drawing attention to themselves!”

3 . Sufism, tariqah, my sheikh said. Cue: BIDDAH/HARAAM/TAKFIR! Why not just follow Qur’an and sunnah? Why be a blind follower? Get the books out and decide for yourself!

4. Converts are way better Muslims than those born Muslims. Immigrant Muslims don’t know how to eat properly or clean up after themselves. Only converts know how to behave decently. Cue nods and “yeses!” all comments in agreement at how horribly they as a convert have been treated and how they were always left to clean up the mess in the masjid after a meal and oh my, don’t even talk about the toilets. Counterattack – born Muslims saying that converts really need to get over themselves and you obviously weren’t at MY masjid because we are always so friendly towards everyone and just because you say “alhamdulillah” after every word doesn’t mean you are a better Muslim than anyone else and no thank-you we really don’t need saving or educating on how to be Muslim. Defense by converts saying, “see what I mean about them??”

Righto – I’m a breastfeeding stay at home hijabi BORN Muslim mother with Sufi tendencies who gave birth normally without painrelief. I did “train” one of my children to sleep and I have no idea about g*y Muslims.

Bring it on!

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