Archive for February, 2008

You know what I’m talking about, right? There are children who cry for no apparent reason – most of the time they don’t even know why they are teary or angry or upset. Then there are those rare ones who seem to know exactly what is wrong, be able to verbalise it, sure they have a cry but quickly they move on – happy that their feelings have been heard and acknowledged.

My four year old is one such child.

An example:

D: So when Wudsie died then we only had Adam.

Tasmiya: Yes Adam was all by himself.

D: Then Noodles came. But if Adam dies then Noodles will be by himself and then if Noodles dies then we will have no cats.

Tasmiya: That’s right. No more cats. Unless we decide we want another one.

D: I don’t want another one.

Tasmiya: That’s ok then.

D: (Beginning to sob) I want Wud-you back. I want Wud-you to come back.

Tasmiya: Oh my darling. He can’t come back. I can’t bring him back.

D: (More heartfelt weeping) I loved him so much! Adam was always mean to him and Wud-you was so nice.

Tasmiya: (Hugging him and crying too) Yeah, Adam was very mean, wasn’t he?

D: It isn’t fair! Wudsie was the nice cat!

Tasmiya: No. It isn’t fair. You miss him don’t you? We all miss him. He was a wonderful cat.

D: Yes. I miss him so much.

D: Can I have a chocolate?


The finality of death covered? Check!

Life goes on regardless covered? Check!

The unfairness of death covered? Check!

Chocolate heals what ails you – Check!

We didn’t have a very good day today. I was mean mum – getting irritable and cranky and of course my children being normal healthy children still craved my attention and love (more so than usual). I know the antidote to this crankiness and their neediness is to give more of myself so they know that we are ok but I just didn’t have it in me today.

So I left them with husband this evening. I thought I would be racing out the door with a huge smile on my face but my two older boys were very emotional upon my leaving. I asked them why they could possibly want me around for a second longer since I was cranky and horrid. Didn’t they want to get away from me and spend tons of uninterrupted play time with their father? Apparently not.

All three of us cried, with husband and 2 year old looking on – husband a bit annoyed at the histrionics and 2 year old with no idea what was going on.

Mothers have a great amount of time, energy and love to give.

Sometimes the time slips away and we realise we didn’t spend any of it with the children. Sure the children are with us the whole day but do we spend it actually engaging with them? So we make the effort to do this the next day = to play, to laugh and just to BE with them.

Most times we are low on energy. We have simply done too much, breastfed too much, cleaned and cooked too much, worked too hard and are physically exhausted by the end of the day. So we try desperately to get a good night’s rest in order that we may be fresh again for the demands of the day.

Then (very rarely) there are times when it seems we have run of love. Of course we haven’t really run out of it -it’s just misplaced. We need to go somewhere quiet and peaceful to reflect and to search for it. It never hides for too long.

Tonight I found mine in between sipping coffee and flipping through cookbooks, home renovation books (no water features in there, sorry Susan), magazines and kids’ books at Borders. Most times I find it on my prayer mat. I found it once cleaning the room and stumbling across a baby photo.

Where do you find your love?

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