Umm Zaynab’s blog entry has stimulated me to write a bit of my experiences as a first time mother & how I was encouraged not to rely on my instincts because science has found a “better” way. I’m very sure this was not the intention of the well meaning clinic nurses and people on the other end of the parenting helpline that I phoned whenever I felt overwhelmed. I’m also not trying to lay blame on anyone, either. This is just my experience and my take on it :
My entry into motherhood was mashaAllah smooth and free of complications. My little boy was gaining weight and seemed content. I was tired but very happy and proud. I would take him to the health clinic every week to have him weighed and to discuss with the nurses things that may have been bothering me. I was regularly asked about his sleeping habits. When I mentioned he was still waking up during the night for a feed, I was told, “No, no, no – after baby reaches 6 months of age he doesn’t *need* your milk during the night! When he wakes up, just refuse to breastfeed him. He’ll soon figure it out and then he won’t wake up the next night. Then they spoke at length about controlled crying, how this could be done from the time they were very young.
I was stunned – this was something I had never read about, and it didn’t really fit with what I believed being a mother was all about – I was *supposed* to sacrifice sleep, food, maybe even sanity! for my child. I thought about it – yes, I was exhausted and yes, very irritable – if I did what they suggested maybe I’d be a little bit easier to live with? They had done “extensive” studies and apparently this was proven to help my child sleep by himself. In fact, I was told children who were subjected to controlled crying never ever had trouble sleeping as adults. Insomnia in adulthood apparently was due to relying on mothers to put you to sleep. Imagine that – a baby actually relying on his mother to soothe him off to sleep. What a novel concept!
I am ashamed to admit it – we went the controlled crying way. The first night he cried for 10 minutes. I literally pulled my hair out for the full 10 minutes, my husband comforting me & all the while my child was screaming for *me* to comfort *him*. The next night he cried for 5 minutes. The next night he didn’t cry at all. In theory it was a huge success. I enjoyed a full night’s sleep for the next year.
We travelled to visit my in-laws and it was then in the evenings, he would wake up and climb into our bed. It was beautiful, to open my eyes and see my little boy sleeping soundly and so securely in between his parents. I remembered how safe I used to feel sleeping in my parents’ bed (even if they did eventually leave the bed to sleep on the mattress because I was kicking too much!) How could I have denied him this when he was so much younger? I feel guilty even now when I think about it.
After coming home, we rethought our putting-to-sleep routine. One of us now stays with him while he falls asleep and when he awakens in the middle of the night, he climbs into our bed. If this is what keeps our little boy feeling safe and secure, this is what we will do. We would never have it any other way. InshaAllah we will be buying a bigger bed soon, so 10-month-old can join us too 
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More on this tomorrow inshaAllah
